It's been weeks since I felt this way. I'm suprised I went that long without crying, feeling angry and sorry for my son and myself. I've reached the breaking point and I need to let it out.
I'm so tired of fighting. I'm tired of having to work so hard to get my son back. It shouldn't be this way. I never wanted it to be this way, but it is, and there's nothing that's going to change that. No prayer, no wish, no bargining. I'm tired, I'm spent, I feel like I have nothing left. Tomorrow, I have to find the strength and find the will to keep going. I have to for my son because no one else will.
I'm just so angry. At who, I don't know. Maybe God, maybe myself, I don't know. I'm just angry that this is happening in my life. I'm angry because the future is so unclear. The only certain thing is that autism will be a part of my son's and my life for the rest of our lives. Why? Why him? Why us? Why, why, why!! I just want to scream. Scream at someone, anyone!
God, please take this pain from me!
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It's been nearly 9 years since my last post. Wow, have things changed! I'm not sure why I stopped posting to my blog. It was mos...
4 comments:
Oh Jess, I sure do wish I could take the pain from you and Wesley. I get angry and sad at times too. A couple of weeks ago I just broke down. I was so frustrated with everything-mostly with autism. Our house is getting destroyed because of Nicks obsessions and head banging. He has put two dents in our walls recently with his head. I just feel like screaming some days.
Jess,
You have come so far since Wesley's therapies have started. You should be very proud of yourself and Wes. I know I am. I never new just how strong you are. God will always be watching over you, and he will not let you fall.
Just keep the faith and continue what you are doing. It is working!
I Love You
I could use the line that "God never gives you more then you can handle" but personally, I have only heard that from people who had kids who were right in the mainstream! Yes, we do get more then we can handle but we are moms so we handle it anyway. Like you said, we have to because nobody else will. To me, that is the definition of being a mother... doing all you can for your child because you are the mom!
Jess, I prayed you never went through this stage. I remember the feeling oh to well - but it does fade with time. Things are progressing so quickly for your family that this feeling should ease off soon. It will always be there, I know and it hurts. But in time you will not feel it as often. Lifetime diagnosis take time to accept. The mountains you climb everyday will make your children so strong. They will take after their mother.
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