The "S" word

No, not that "s" word. Surgery. One of the worst words any parent wants to hear I think. Casey's appointment went horrible. It took all that I had not to punch the nurse who did his catheter in the face. My mother instinct was so strong yesterday. I told Tim that I wanted to yank everything out of him and just take him home. He's only 7 months, but the look of sheer horror and pain in his eyes cut me to the bone. I could hear "why are you doing this to me?" in his cries. All I could answer was that I loved him and I'm sorry.

So after 3 hours (from start to finish) it was determined that the obstruction in his kidney has indeed gotten worse. The fluid in his kidney is taking even longer to drain out and that isn't good. On the upside, his kidney is very healthy and producing 50% of the work. Neither kidney works at 100%. They share the work load and this is true for any healthy person. Tim and I trust the doctor and know that he is only looking out for Casey and the health of his future. He is actually rearranging his schedule so he can preform Casey's surgery in the next month. He takes the time to explain everything from stem to stern and encourages questions. He even made sure that I could page him before he left for vacation so he could go over the results of the test. He puts us at ease and for that, we trust him.

Of course, my anxiety is at an all time high. With two kids who have health issues, how can it not be? I'm learning to take it one day at a time and relinquish control where there is no control in the first place. This is hard for me. I'm the one who is in control nearly every day. I decide what happens and how it happens. To not have control over this is like losing a big part of who I am.

My mission, if I choose to accept it, is to let things go. Let them progress and give my input where needed. Inform myself as much as I can to give the right input and trust in others. There is a bigger world out there then just me and my boys and I need to let them in.