Today is one of my dark days. It's been coming on, but I've been trying to push it down.
I had to run to the post office today to mail out a package. Who would have thought that the post office would have a line out the door at 9:30 in the morning. Well mine did and Wesley decided he did not want to wait in that line. About 1 minute 30 seconds of stepping through the door, Wes thought it was a great time to have a tantrum. A full on, throw down, kicking and screaming tantrum. Let me paint a picture for you. I had Casey in the stroller, a large package in my hands and I'm trying to get my son up off the floor with a room full of people watching me. I threw down the package, picked Wesley up and threw him over my shoulder. Grabbed the box and pushed Casey out of the building using my hips. With stares at my back, I managed to get us out and to the car. I put the boys in their car seats, got in behind the wheel and cried. I cried for myself.
I am so tired of feeling trapped by a two year old. I can't go anywhere for fear of tantrums, meltdowns and embarrassment. It's not easy carrying around a 20+lbs baby and running after a quick two year old. I should have known not to take him. I should have known that this would ultimately end in disaster. I set myself up for it. How am I supposed to go on with daily life and do daily things when I can't leave the house? It's safe here. Wesley and I know what to expect. I don't care if he has a tantrum here because no one is staring or judging. The only place we can go is to department stores with shopping carts. He's contained and he's happy to ride in them. Other then that, it's no go. I have to find a playground that's completely fenced in or we don't go. I would love to take him to some activity centers, but I can't keep up with him. I can't juggle Casey and drag him around by his leg at the same time. Others frown upon leg dragging.
I love my child, there's no denying that. I find myself wishing for just one day of normalcy. One day where he and I play and talk and laugh. Just one day.
Fast Forward
It's been nearly 9 years since my last post. Wow, have things changed! I'm not sure why I stopped posting to my blog. It was mos...
6 comments:
My first reaction is to want to give you a hug. Well, we are a bit away so not really an option. My second reaction is to tell you to not be so hard on yourself. In the best of circumstances, tantrums in public are very hard to be a part of. Of course, you have the added knowledge that it's not just a toddler thing, you know that his Autism plays a part and that, I just cannot understand because I don't live it every day.
My one suggestion, see if you are entitled to respite care. In many states it's an option. It pays for someone to come take care of Wes for a few hours while you sleep, take Casey out, and maybe even help you go out with the two boys and another set of hands. That person can, in some states, be family, a friend or a professional.
I wish I had some profound answer for you but we both know that unless it is your everyday, there is no way to completly relate.
(((HUGS)))
I know that feeling all too well. I NEVER go to the PO with them.
Best wishes
Hey Jess,
Peggy has such an awesome idea! I can not believe I didn't think of it since I did it when Carter had his amputation. Please ask your case worker at community bridges to help you with this. I think it will be so awesome for you. If there is anything I can do even if it is lend a shoulder to cry on, I'm here!
With all my love and support,
Kel
Hey, it's Rebekah again from SS. I worked as a therapist for autistic children - and most states have some type of program where they will pay for therapy and respite care. (Respite care is basically babysitting, except by trained professionals.) You have to get on these lists EARLY because of the number of children being diagnosed now, so definitely check into it. Your friend is definitely on the right track. Also - now would be the time to get a babysitter who can handle them and make sure she gets to know them. That way Wes will feel more comfortable with her (or him).
Also - SCREW other people. They don't know what you're going through, and it's none of their business. I know that's hard, but if they choose to judge, let them. Only you know what you're going through.
Jessica: First, go ahead and cry for yourself. Do it today, and tomorrow and the next. Vent. Find an outlet...and then when you are done, pull yourself up and tackle the next day.
Lots of us have been there. My seven year old is like water in a container: First he fills the space up and then he finds the weakness and runs out of it. We talk safe side adults and the like, but he's autistic, and he can't not be autistic.
In terms of the fits, well, I won't say 'screw them all', but what's your end goal? Depending on where the wee-one is on the spectrum, you are going to have to evaluate what you can do, and what you can train him to do. We've always worked our as@es off taking him out and putting him in the real world (he's pretty high on the spectrum) and having him, and us, deal with the situation. My end goal was and is to go out to a restaurant with the family and have a relatively 'incident free' meal. That takes training, for all of you.
There are alot of us out there going through this, so reach out, read our blogs, and we'll help you along the way in whatever way we can.
It can be lonely, especially at that age (2 yr old)...but hopefully it all gets better - both in terms of your child through therapy and life, but also in your ability to deal day-to-day with the condition.
Hang in there
All good advice.
1. Check on respite. Wonderful invention :)
2. Screw the other people - also a good piece of advice. I'm not nice... although meltdowns are minimal I have NO qualms about saying "my child has autism... I could use some help not stares". AMAZING how quick the attitude changes. Not only that...amazing how quick they are to help. There are some wonderful strangers out there.
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