Just Deal

Today was a nice day so I wanted to get the boys (I have another son named Casey) out of the house for awhile. We've been cooped up due to snow storms, high winds, and extremely cold temperatures. Well my husband Tim and I packed up the kids and away we went. I've wanted to get Wesley used to walking without using the stroller. I have a double stroller but it's big and hard to maneuver when you have a 34lbs kid in the front and a 17lbs kid in the back. Well it started off well. Wes only whined a bit in the parking lot. It wasn't 5 minutes later that we were in a store and it started. Wesley wanted to run and not hold our hands. With a lot of fighting, he threw himself on the ground in a heap and screamed. A sales lady came up to us and tried to engage him in a toy that made sounds, but he would have none of it. He screamed even louder. I just smiled as I tried to pick my limp son off the floor. What could I have done? I didn't want to get upset because that only makes him more upset and he screams louder. I left my husband with our baby in the stroller and dragged Wesley out of the store. He continued to scream and continued to be limp. I looked up and saw all these faces looking at us. How mortifying! I dragged him around the corner and we ended up near a book store. Standing there was a nice lady who smiled at me. Tim was right behind me and I said "How many people are asking themselves why can't she control her son." The lady said "No one is saying that because they've all been through it." She walked over and tried to talk to Wes, but again, this only made him scream harder. I thought, should I tell her that he is Autistic and not just a horrible child or do I not have to explain this to every stranger. Some days when he's at his worst, I want to place a sticker on him that says "I'm Autistic" and one on me that says "I'm not a bad parent". Am I looking for their acceptance and approval? Maybe. I tell myself that I don't care what others think, but deep down, we all do. We all want to fit in, we want our kids to fit in, but there is a voice in the depths of our brains saying that we don't and they don't. Well at least in my brain it does.
That is the reason I hesitate to take Wesley in public alone. That's why I'm nervous about joining in a playgroup, or taking my son to a fun place. I know the tantrum is coming, I know that he's going to go off and play alone rather then with the other kids, and I know there will be stares. It's the life I've come to live with and just deal.