Thursday, February 22, 2007

Looking Through a Window


When Tim and I discussed having children, we knew we wanted more then one and we knew we wanted them close together. We wanted them to be close, to be confidants, to depend and rely on each other.

When Casey was conceived, Wesley was only 14 months old. I knew it was going to be tough to have two small children and everyone I met said "good luck!". Gee, thanks. I thought "I can handle this, no problem!" I dreamt of my two children playing on the floor or swimming in the lake at the cabin in Maine. It was going to be so nice watching them grow up together. Best Friends.

Four months into my pregnancy is when I started noticing Wesley had some delays. I started worrying what if the new baby was as difficult as Wesley was, and still is. What if I had two children who demanded my attention at all times. Could I handle that? There were points in my pregnancy that I wished I had waited and wanted to throw in the towel before Casey was even born. Then I started to hear that you never get the same child twice. A bit of a relief, yes, but not enough.

When Casey was born, Wesley had no interest in him at all. I figured it was normal. Wes payed him no attention and even ignored me for awhile. Then he gradually came around. He acknowledged me first, and then Casey slowly. He would pat his head, give him a small kiss but never really interact with him. The boys pediatrician said to give it time. Once Casey was more alert and wanted to play, Wes would come around. Well that day has come and still nothing.

One day, Casey was in his swing and Wesley was pushing it. At first I told Wes to stop because I didn't want him to swing Casey too hard. Then I heard Casey squealing with delight. He was so intent on his big brother and excited that he was in front of him. Wesley didn't crack a smile or a giggle. Fast forward a couple of weeks. I put Wes in Casey's crib (mistake, I know) so Wes could play with the Fisher Price Aquarium and play with Casey. Casey was laying next to him and laughing at Wes' antics. He would kick his little legs out and reach for Wes. Every time he made contact, Wes would pull away like it burned him. It actually broke my heart. Here Casey was, showing this great amount of love and adoration for his brother, and got nothing in return.

When I see Wesley looking at Casey, it's as if he's looking through a window. Does he see Casey or is he just staring through him. Casey is trying so hard to make eye contact with him, to bond, to make friends. Wesley doesn't. Are my dreams of having my children be best friends over? Will Casey ever have a connection with Wesley? Only time will tell. I won't give up hope that they will someday bond. My efforts will not be futile. Granted, my vision has changed slightly. Now I see Casey as Wesley's protector. He will stand up for his big brother and keep him safe, especially when I'm gone. Even though I would like to, I won't live forever. But before I go, I'll make sure when Wes does look through that window, he sees something greater on the other side.

3 comments:

sweetpeas said...

Jess - as I sit here reading your blog I can not help but cry. I can not even imagine what you feel in your heart.

However, I see your strength shine through in your writing and I know that Wes and Casey will grow up Best of Friends.

In situations like this brother stick together. Casey will probably be the one that understands Wes most and their bond will be more than you ever dreamed of.

I hope this journey starts to go uphill for you.....and conitnues on that road.

All my love,
Kel

Anonymous said...

In reading the information on both Wesley and Jessica, I have come to the realization that Jess is one of the strongest young mothers I have ever met. I also know that Wesly is the most beautiful baby I have ever held in my arms. You see, Wes Is my grandson. Jess, I LOVE you and will be there for you and Wes and Casey as long as I live on this earth. You and Tim are already on the road to helping Wes in whatever his future holds. Just remember, that there are alot of family and friends that love and suport you.

Anonymous said...

I agree so much Kel and Anon. I too am sitting here with tears down my eyes. Whether or not you feel that way right now, you both should be so proud of your strength.

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