Since Wesley has been diagnosed and I learn more and more about autism, I start to wonder. I know all of us have sensory and autistic tendencies, but I wonder just how much is a tendency and how much makes you actually have either of those.
I'm sharing deep here so bear with me for a moment. I've always felt socially awkward. In grade school, it wasn't always easy for me to make friends or make myself available to make friends. Even now in adulthood, I find myself wishing I could join the other Mommies on the playground, but I don't know what to say. I found it difficult to go up to people and start conversations. In my mind, the starters never sounded smart or eloquent. Maybe they aren't supposed to be. Eye contact was never especially easy for me either. I try hard to make and maintain eye contact, but sometimes it's just overwhelming and I have to look away. I know how Wes feels and how much he's achieved with that small feat.
Social ques are tricky too. I pick up on them, but don't always interpret them correctly. Tim can attest to that I think. I don't always 'get it' when people are sarcastic and sometimes my joke aren't understood either.
There certainly is a bit of OCD here. I like things the way I like them and sometimes to such a degree that Tim and I argue. I can't stand clutter and crumbs being everywhere. I'm not the best housekeeper, but when they start to pile up, I go on a bender. Clothes need to be washed, dried, and put away. After eating, the table must be washed, chairs cleaned off and floor swept. My wonderful husband doesn't see the need. He's not OCD. I also feel much better when I know what's going to happen. If we make plans, I like to know where it is we're going, how long it takes to get there and get home, how long we're going to stay, and what can I expect there. Not as bad as it sounds, but I still like to plan. It makes me edgy when a monkey wrench is thrown into the plans. I'd say Wes has the same issue but to a more larger degree.
Does all this mean I may be on the spectrum somewhere? Maybe. It certainly leaves a bad taste in my mouth because the blame game starts. Am I the reason for my son having autism? His genes came out clean in the wash (he's been to a geneticist), but maybe there's something else there. Food for thought.
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It's been nearly 9 years since my last post. Wow, have things changed! I'm not sure why I stopped posting to my blog. It was mos...
5 comments:
I think we are all on the spectrum somewhere!
But do remember your beautiful son will also have some of your other wonderful qualities. :)
Ps, by that i dont mean autism hasnt some wonderful qualities! As it does.
okay now that IM not calmed down I will try to re-write my LONG comment that I accidentially deleted 2 days ago. LMAO!
First I want to say how I applaud you for being so open on your blog. You dig deep into your heart and pour it all out for everyone to see. You really went deep on this one and I know I could never put my heart out there on my sleeve quite like you do.
Second I think that you are right when you say we all have some sensory and autistic tendencies. Wesley probably did not fall far from you Gene Tree, but it is no reason to blame yourself. Easier said than done I know. I can not think of a day in the last 2 1/2 years where I did not blame myself for Carter. It is so natural for all parents of children to play the blame game. All of the qualitites about yourself that you mentioned are good ones. They may not seem it to you at times but they are what make YOU - YOU! If you were not OCD so many things would not get done!!! You are such a prepared person and mother it is unbelievable. Let it be known Wes fell directly from your Tree, it is a blessing that Wes has your qualities.
Third I have to say that this comment on your post is not nearly as good a the one I deleted. I knew I would never be able to remember what I wrote.
I remember wishing the genetics doctor would find something so I could stop blaming myself, but would that change anything? NO it wouldn't.
I think our boys are lucky to fall from our Gene tree, Perfect or Not!
Now that Im crying as usual I will stop.
I Love Ya!
Oh, I'm definitely OCD a bit. Germs-hate germs. Am I the only mom that lysols the cart before letting my kids sit in it? My husband likes to make sure his foot fits between the cracks when we're walking on stones, bricks, etc. We all have something we obsess over. I can't tell you how nice it is to hear there are others out there like me :o)
Wow, are you my twin?!! :)
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