The Grieving Process

It sounds weird to think of someone grieving over something you haven't lost. When we think of losing something, we think of a physical loss. It's not entirely true. You can grieve over other things that aren't physical. Such as having a child diagnosed with a disorder or a disability or not being able to experience something others take for granted.

The last couple of days have been really hard on me. I've had time to let the diagnosis sink in and think of the reality of it all. Time to think about my son's future and what it now holds for him. It's scary. The most scary aspect of it is not knowing. Not knowing if he will become a functional adult in society. If he will hold down a job, get married, have kids of his own. The not knowing is killing me. I grieve for the child I've lost. The "neurotypical" child that I thought I was raising, turned out to view the world in a way I never thought possible. I grieve because I can't do the things I wanted to do with him, I can't say the things I want to say to him and get a response back. I grieve because I thought life would be so much easier now that he's older.

Most of all, I grieve because I feel like I'm missing out on Casey's babyhood. I have become so wrapped up in Wesley and his diagnosis, that I've left little time to enjoy watching Casey grow up. I don't do the things I did with Wesley. I don't cuddle in bed with him until noon, I don't lay on the floor with him and tickle him like crazy. I'm too busy trying to engage Wesley, trying to get him to play with me, look me in the eye, focus on the task before him. I love Casey just as much as I love Wesley, but I feel like an incompetent parent when it comes to him. I don't ever want to make him feel inferior to his brother. He is and will always be an important part of our family. I just don't feel as strong a connection with him as I do with Wes. Just writing that makes me sick to my stomach. I am lacking in a connection with my child. A child that I wanted. I feel more incompetent then before. That is just so unfair to him.

From this moment, I make a promise to Casey that I will do everything I can to be the best mother I can for him as well as for Wesley.